DQYDJ 10: Look, It's Jesus Barbie!

Posted on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 by Melanie

EP 10: Look, It's Jesus Barbie! (33:04)


Welcome to Episode 10 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie rants about the remake of THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN, Jerry stumbles across a special kind of action figure, and more things are dredged up from the past for your amusement.

  • Melanie prefers throwing iron to Curves

  • Remaking THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN -- why?

  • Melanie really, really, REALLY hates bad time travel paradoxes

  • When writers write themselves into a corner

  • Look, it's Jesus Barbie!


  • "Being saved is hard."

  • Making Bondage Barbies in Holland

  • Melanie's rather good at sculpting little penises

  • Tales of the Rubber Ball

  • Gaffer Tape, Nipples and Thongs -- oh, my!

  • We have voicemail:

    • Voicemail from Dan

    • Voicemail from Patrick

  • Melanie has to explain a bit more about the whole teacher thing

  • "I still have a thing for you, Ms. Allen..."

  • We have email:

    • Email from Walt

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Maintain suspension of disbelief

  • Melanie will be at A-Kon this weekend

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 09: Is That a Snake Over There?

Posted on Saturday, May 24, 2008 by Melanie

EP 09: Is That a Snake Over There? (36:04)


Welcome to Episode 9 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie gets bitter about her high school graduation day, Jerry explains why landing at the poles on Mars is tough, and we have an extra-special voicemail at the very end.

  • It's the 25th anniversary of Melanie's graduation from high school -- she's officially old

  • What not to say to a new HS graduate

  • Senior moments

  • Why isn't weed legal by now?

  • Godspeed, Robert Asprin

  • Seven minutes of terror on the Red Planet

  • Jerry explains it all about landing on Mars

  • Pick a type of measurement and stick with it

  • Big curved Renaissance boner (NSFW)

  • "Why am I staring at it -- I'm not gay?"

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Be polite

  • The First Church of Don't Be An Asshole

  • Melanie fields a drunkycall

  • We have email from Kathy

  • Drunken Monkey fighting with the Wii


  • An extra-special voicemail from Kathy and Stacy

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!


Oh, and yeah, we're happy:


DQYDJ 08: Junk In The Subway!

Posted on Friday, May 23, 2008 by Melanie

EP 08: Junk In The Subway (37:23)


Welcome to Episode 8 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Jerry is back from the Great White North and Melanie talks about seeing junk in the Swedish subways.

  • Blame WMBYS for our wishlists

  • Our childhood of soap operas (plus John De Lancie as a nutty soap professor)

  • It's a bad week to be a TV character

  • Guess who Melanie is going to see at Dragon*Con?

  • Ignore the F-5 in Colorado -- there's no such thing as global warming

  • Turd Blossom gets subpoena'd -- FINGER

  • Jerry's subconscious thinks politicians are alien lizards

  • We need iTune reviews!

  • The dangers of shopping with a teenaged daughter

  • Jerry mispronounces his future state

  • See the special edition of BLADE RUNNER

  • Jerry and friends launch Mister Beefalo!

  • Come to the Death Star -- we have iPhones!

  • Jerry is going to Milan, and Melanie talks about seeing (and yes, this is very NSFW) junk on the Swedish subway walls

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Don't trust your spellchecker

  • We have voicemail from Kathy

  • Fire Whores!

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 07: ...Nope, Got Walt Back (Plus Holly and Nessa -- Hurrah!)

Posted on Monday, May 19, 2008 by Melanie

EP 07: ...Nope, Got Walt Back (Plus Holly and Nessa -- Hurrah!) (31:37)


Welcome to Episode 7 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Jerry is off on business and Walt, Holly and Nessa from We're Mean Because You're Stupid step in as guest hosts -- hurrah!

  • It only took one take to start the show!

  • Walt is afraid of Melanie

  • Melanie wants her 600 thread count sheets, dammit

  • Holly is giving away second-hand sheets

  • What happens in Las Vegas (like food poisoning) should stay there

  • Melanie stimulates the economy big-time

  • Holly is dissed in Lame Giant

  • Stacy, the Shaman Assistant (now with grass skirt!)

  • Jumping the broom in Jolly Olde England

  • What Walt will be eating for his birthday

  • Food is our abusive boyfriend

  • Melanie's neighbors should be on Jerry Springer

  • The Black Velvet Purrmonster makes an appearance

  • We have voicemail from Joe

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 06: Well, We Just Lost Walt...

Posted on Thursday, May 15, 2008 by Melanie

EP 06: Well, We Just Lost Walt... (37:39)


Welcome to Episode 6 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where we welcome Wes Stone from Live It Up! and Dial H for Homo. And yes, this is gonna be writer-intensive.

  • Wes is an experienced writer slaving away in a cracker factory

  • Fur, Fangs and Femme is becoming its own subgenre

  • Melanie likes to stare at her screen until blood drops appear on her forehead

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Give yourself permission to write crap

  • "Holy literary criticism, Batman!"

  • Melanie is the world's best living procrastinator (since Douglas Adams is dead)

  • How to make a Portal gun

  • "Still Alive"

  • Jerry is drinking some bad Karma

  • "Will Write For Beer"

  • How to get cool free samples

  • Jerry and the Foot Flusher

  • Wes and Garbage (sans Shirley Manson)

  • Adventures at SF cons

  • We have email AND voicemail!

    • Voicemail from Walt

    • Voicemail from Kathy

  • Go here and read Stacy's conversation with Madame Lola, the Voodoo Queen

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

Yeah, it runs in the family

Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 by Melanie

My sister Stacy and her best friend Kathy have been having a grand old time leaving comments on my regular website's guestbook. Kathy has already left us a voicemail that will be in Episode 6, and she and Stacy promise to call in with a joint voicemail just as soon as the weather's warm enough to sit out on Stacy's desk with a blender full of mixed drinks. Ohyeah, looking forward to that particular drunkycall big time.

In the meantime, Stacy left this comment for Kathy after the delightful Miss K pointed out that we have the Voicemail Number of the Beast, and I felt I had to share it with y'all, just in case you thought I was the weird one in the family.



Okeeey, you know, I don't really like to call devil numbers with caller ID and all. If you think it's a devil cult I suggest we call in an expert -- my dear, dear friend and spiritual advisor, Madame Lola the Voo-Doo Queen.

Hang on...........*riiiiiing!*...........*riiiiing!*...........come on, come on...........*riiiii- pick up the phone dammit! -nnnnnng!*...........

Mdm. Lola: Hallo mon, Madame Lola speaking, 'ow may I 'elp youuu?

Stacy: Hi, Madame Lola, it's me, Phoenix!

Mdm. Lola: Eye iss not giving you any more credit, mon! Ennd why iss you calling youself Stacy here?

Stacy: Well, you see, they don't know about you, Madame Lola. Only my friends in the Pit know about you and over there I'm known as Phoenix so--

Mdm. Lola: I doan care whachoo are called, mon, you still owe me $40.95 for dose snaake skeens and dat hex I put on--

Stacy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Madame Lola, you know I'm good for it. Anyway, I have a favor to ask you.

Mdm. Lola: --ann den dere is da bill for your brudder's wedding -- you had me bless it after your seester, she perform ceremony--

Stacy: I wanted it to be official in the spirit world!

Mdm. Lola: Yeah, well, de spirits dey waan $30.00 for dat one or dey will shower dere hatred down on his house, mon!

Stacy: Awww, come on, Madame Lola -- you know I'm good for it.

Mdm. Lola: You pay now or no favors.

Stacy: Okay, tell you what -- I'll send you a check for the snakeskins and take my chances with the spirits raining their vengence down on his house.

Mdm. Lola: Okeey, but eets not pretty when da spirits are waiting for peyment, mon. Dey still have your address--

Stacy: Yeah, it's J. Miller, Webb Ave. N. Las Vegas?

Mdm. Lola: Dat's da one!

Me: Well, like I said, I'll take my chances. Now let's get down to business -- there's a number we want you to call to see if it's a devil worshiping emporium.

Mdm. Lola: 'Ang on-- *whaaa mon??? wats dat? ookkey....you want oonion riings with dat?*

Stacy: Are...are you operating a drive-through window, Madame Lola?

Mdm. Lola: *Okay, you pull up to window for your total mon...doan geet smaart wit me, young mon...I gots a yak's nipple here and I'm nots afraid to use eet! Your scrotum shrivel up like a daisy in da desert mon!* What's dot? Oh yeah, Phoenix, I gots to keep my 'ead above water, you know. Dis 'ere....eets my new side business.

Stacy: Okay, never mind. Anyway, can you call this number and find out what it's for? Is it some devil worshiping cult?

Mdm. Lola: Whot's da number, mon?

Stacy: 206-666-4187

Mdm. Lola: Yeessss....dats my second cousin Javier's Santaria cult. I doan know if you can get heem on da phoone too often. He's usually passing out da Kool-aide to his worshipers.

Stacy: KOOL-AIDE?!?! Golly! I love Kool-aide!

Mdm Lola: *sigh* Not dis kind, mon. He be maaking heemself some zombies. Dey normally wealthy people and he git dem to sign over to heem before he give dem de Kool-aide.

Stacy: I can't even try it?

Mdm Lola: No, you always broke and look like a reject from THRILLER anyway.

Stacy: THRILLER, huh? Well, at least that's something--

Mdm. Lola: Look, I gots to go, mon. Da health inspeector, he iss cooming today an' I gots to get dis graveyard dirt out of da deep fryers before he get here.

Stacy: Well, good luck with that!

Mdm. Lola: I doan need luck, woman -- I iss a professional! *click*

DQYDJ 05: The One With a Marked Lack of Beer

Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008 by Melanie

EP 05: The One With a Marked Lack of Beer (33:00)


Welcome to Episode 5 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie capers in glee over IKEA and Jerry rages against politicians, the media and having to spend all his beer money on gas.

  • Amphibian Phone Sex

  • Melanie is a happy camper who loves IKEA

  • "Tabernac!"

  • Jerry, however, is pissed off at the news

  • Hur hur -- Jerry said "rear"

  • The media -- catering to the lowest common denominator since the 1970's

  • The President is in Texas -- yeehaw...

  • Jerry expresses his political views

  • "Some freedoms should be limited." Yeah, right.

  • THE FALL - Joe-Bob sez check it out

  • Charles Darwin as action hero!

  • We have email AND voicemail!

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Never give up

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 04: Writing, Drinking and Shooting Large Animals

Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 by Melanie

EP 04: Writing, Drinking and Shooting Large Animals (33:08)


Welcome to Episode 4 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where we celebrate the drunken splendor that was Ernest "The Hem" Hemingway, as well as some drunken antics of other writers. Ahem.


  • Melanie is somewhat fried by her return to the work force

  • The side effects of a decided lack of caffeine

  • Jerry's gorilla hair on his arms

  • When Batman has phone sex

  • Telemarketing sucks!

  • Jerry has gogo boots -- now he just needs a strip to work

  • Having an uncle who is also an aunt

  • It's not fair that Eddie Izzard is so pretty

  • Melanie's name is on Mars

  • Send your name into space

  • Voicemail from Eric the Southern Boy
    http://boy-oh-boy.blogspot.com

  • A fundamentalist calls in to complain

  • The evilness of all-you-can-eat restaurants

  • A story from Melanie's drunken past

  • Due to tornados, this may be our final podcast

  • Melanie must see Wicked

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Establish a writing routine

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187


Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 03: Sürstromming, or "Let's Have Some Crap On Bread!"

Posted on Saturday, May 03, 2008 by Melanie

 EP 03: Sürstromming, or "Let's Have Some Crap On Bread!" (35:43)


Welcome to Episode 3 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" Or, more accurately, Episode 3.5. Damn you, Skypiness!


  • We're gonna burn for this one

  • Iron Man -- you won't notice your numb butt!

  • Adding unnecessary crap to a movie

  • Here comes Speed Racer, thanks to the Wachowki Brothers

  • Christina Ricci is hot, and Jerry feels like a dirty old man

  • A Skypiness intermission -- we're now on iterations

  • Heath Ledger plays one crazy-eyed mother%^*#$% in Dark Knight

  • Melanie's adventures with New York drug dealers

  • Doing time in a Swedish prison

  • Sürstromming -- "Let's have some crap on bread!"

  • It's fun to watch rich people get eaten by monsters!

  • Melanie's 21-year crush on Jeffrey Combs -- it can drink legally!

  • The SciFi Channel -- home of schlock

  • Thunderbirds Are Go!

  • Three voicemails, one from A Special Someone

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Read the Guidelines

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187

Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

DQYDJ 02: Is That Your Utility Belt, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me?

Posted on Thursday, May 01, 2008 by Melanie

 EP 02: Is That Your Utility Belt, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? (30:46)


Welcome to Episode 2 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" We're on both channels this time, and Melanie has had way too much fun with GarageBand.


  • Tonight's a Bloated&CrankyCast!

  • 7 hours to pass a $%*&#%^ safety test

  • Melanie dreams of Adam West

  • Is that your utility belt, or are you just happy to see me?

  • Miley Cyrus = bumper harvest!

  • Jerry goes to Tijuana and sees lots of magic tricks

  • Melanie dons her sex educator hat

  • Jerry's Poetry Corner

  • Allergies suck ass, but allergy shots are wonderful

  • Darth Vader wants to know where his Playboys are

  • Hans the baggage handler has anger management issues

  • Jane Austen as space opera

  • Secrets of the Industry:
    Yog's Law - Money flows TOWARD the writer

Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187

Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!