What PROMETHEUS really needed was a Sassy Gay Friend

Posted on Sunday, June 10, 2012 by Melanie

(If you don't get the joke, go watch http://www.youtube.com/show/sassygayfriend right now.)

VOICEOVER: Meet the crew of the Prometheus. They went into an alien pyramid acting like teenagers on Spring Break, and did a lot of dumb shit that got most of them killed. This could have been averted if they'd had a Sassy Gay Friend.

SGF INTRO MUSIC PLAYS. BLINGED UP PLANET HOPPER LANDS IN FRONT OF PROMETHEUS CREW AS THEY'RE ABOUT TO ENTER THE PYRAMID. A SPACESUITED FIGURE WITH A JEWELED SCARF WRAPPED AROUND ITS NECK STORMS OUT.

SGF: What are you doing? WHAT WHAT WHAT are you doing? Just wandering into some abandoned alien disco and opening random doors like Indiana Jones? Scientific protocol too 48 seconds ago for you? I don't think so, Missy!

SHAW: But--

SGF: Forget about your conveniently unspecified religious beliefs and fire up a few brain cells -- don't be going in that thing unless you're double-gloved. By the way, have you lost weight? Girlfriend, you make that moon suit work.

SHAW: (blushes) Oh, thank you!

HOLLOWAY: Hey!

SGF: Zip it, X Games. (to Shaw) He must be hung like a horse, because you didn't hook up with him for his brains. Am I right?

SHAW: Well--

SGF: Of course I'm right. You're a stupid be-yitch. (taps helmet) Okay, Miss Ice Thing? Wake Daddy up and tell him to do his own dirty work -- you need to get naked and horizontal with Captain Hot Stuff before your hoo-hoo freezes over. Trust me, if anyone needs a little sumpin-sumpin, girlfriend, it's you.

EVERYONE HEARS OUTRAGED SQUAWKS FROM THE SHIP.

SGF: By the way, that suit? Ki-luh-her. Makes you look like Grace Kelly in space, sweetie.

OUTRAGED SQUAWKS TURNED TO PLEASED GIGGLES, INTERSPERSED WITH, "STOP THAT, NOT NOW!"

SGF: (turns to the rest of the crew) The rest of you, drop a dime and buy a clue -- this place has worse mojo than last year's White Party. You may as well be wearing red tank tops with "Kill me now" in big day-glo letters on them -- which is a great look on you, but still. Go find a nice beach planet somewhere and get tanked on mojitos -- you'll thank me for it later.

EXPENDABLE PROMETHEUS CREWMEMBERS LOOK AT EACH OTHER, SHRUG, AND GO BACK TO THE SHIP.

SGF: (turns to David) Okay, tall, blond and automatic -- fully functional?

DAVID: Five speeds, as a matter of fact.

SGF: (links arms with the android) Reeeeeallly? Lemme show you some other things T.E. Lawrence liked. (turns to camera and grins) They're all stupid be-yitches.

Posted in WHAT WHAT WHAT are you doing?