Posted on Wednesday, May 28, 2008 by Melanie
EP 10: Look, It's Jesus Barbie! (33:04)
Welcome to Episode 10 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie rants about the remake of THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN, Jerry stumbles across a special kind of action figure, and more things are dredged up from the past for your amusement.
- Melanie prefers throwing iron to Curves
- Remaking THE ANDROMEDA STRAIN -- why?
- Melanie really, really, REALLY hates bad time travel paradoxes
- When writers write themselves into a corner
- Look, it's Jesus Barbie!
- "Being saved is hard."
- Making Bondage Barbies in Holland
- Melanie's rather good at sculpting little penises
- Tales of the Rubber Ball
- Gaffer Tape, Nipples and Thongs -- oh, my!
- We have voicemail:
- Voicemail from Dan
- Voicemail from Patrick
- Melanie has to explain a bit more about the whole teacher thing
- "I still have a thing for you, Ms. Allen..."
- We have email:
- Secrets of the Industry:
Maintain suspension of disbelief
- Melanie will be at A-Kon this weekend
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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Posted on Saturday, May 24, 2008 by Melanie
EP 09: Is That a Snake Over There? (36:04)
Welcome to Episode 9 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie gets bitter about her high school graduation day, Jerry explains why landing at the poles on Mars is tough, and we have an extra-special voicemail at the very end.
- It's the 25th anniversary of Melanie's graduation from high school -- she's officially old
- What not to say to a new HS graduate
- Senior moments
- Why isn't weed legal by now?
- Godspeed, Robert Asprin
- Seven minutes of terror on the Red Planet
- Jerry explains it all about landing on Mars
- Pick a type of measurement and stick with it
- Big curved Renaissance boner (NSFW)
- "Why am I staring at it -- I'm not gay?"
- Secrets of the Industry:
Be polite
- The First Church of Don't Be An Asshole
- Melanie fields a drunkycall
- We have email from Kathy
- Drunken Monkey fighting with the Wii
- An extra-special voicemail from Kathy and Stacy
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
Oh, and yeah, we're happy:
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episode 09
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Posted on Friday, May 23, 2008 by Melanie
EP 08: Junk In The Subway (37:23)
Welcome to Episode 8 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Jerry is back from the Great White North and Melanie talks about seeing junk in the Swedish subways.
- Blame WMBYS for our wishlists
- Our childhood of soap operas (plus John De Lancie as a nutty soap professor)
- It's a bad week to be a TV character
- Guess who Melanie is going to see at Dragon*Con?
- Ignore the F-5 in Colorado -- there's no such thing as global warming
- Turd Blossom gets subpoena'd -- FINGER
- Jerry's subconscious thinks politicians are alien lizards
- We need iTune reviews!
- The dangers of shopping with a teenaged daughter
- Jerry mispronounces his future state
- See the special edition of BLADE RUNNER
- Jerry and friends launch Mister Beefalo!
- Come to the Death Star -- we have iPhones!
- Jerry is going to Milan, and Melanie talks about seeing (and yes, this is very NSFW) junk on the Swedish subway walls
- Secrets of the Industry:
Don't trust your spellchecker
- We have voicemail from Kathy
- Fire Whores!
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 08
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Posted on Monday, May 19, 2008 by Melanie
EP 07: ...Nope, Got Walt Back (Plus Holly and Nessa -- Hurrah!) (31:37)
Welcome to Episode 7 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Jerry is off on business and Walt, Holly and Nessa from We're Mean Because You're Stupid step in as guest hosts -- hurrah!
- It only took one take to start the show!
- Walt is afraid of Melanie
- Melanie wants her 600 thread count sheets, dammit
- Holly is giving away second-hand sheets
- What happens in Las Vegas (like food poisoning) should stay there
- Melanie stimulates the economy big-time
- Holly is dissed in Lame Giant
- Stacy, the Shaman Assistant (now with grass skirt!)
- Jumping the broom in Jolly Olde England
- What Walt will be eating for his birthday
- Food is our abusive boyfriend
- Melanie's neighbors should be on Jerry Springer
- The Black Velvet Purrmonster makes an appearance
- We have voicemail from Joe
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 07
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Posted on Thursday, May 15, 2008 by Melanie
EP 06: Well, We Just Lost Walt... (37:39)
Welcome to Episode 6 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where we welcome Wes Stone from Live It Up! and Dial H for Homo. And yes, this is gonna be writer-intensive.
- Wes is an experienced writer slaving away in a cracker factory
- Fur, Fangs and Femme is becoming its own subgenre
- Melanie likes to stare at her screen until blood drops appear on her forehead
- Secrets of the Industry:
Give yourself permission to write crap
- "Holy literary criticism, Batman!"
- Melanie is the world's best living procrastinator (since Douglas Adams is dead)
- How to make a Portal gun
- "Still Alive"
- Jerry is drinking some bad Karma
- "Will Write For Beer"
- How to get cool free samples
- Jerry and the Foot Flusher
- Wes and Garbage (sans Shirley Manson)
- Adventures at SF cons
- We have email AND voicemail!
- Voicemail from Walt
- Voicemail from Kathy
- Go here and read Stacy's conversation with Madame Lola, the Voodoo Queen
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 06
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Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 by Melanie
My sister Stacy and her best friend Kathy have been having a grand old time leaving comments on my regular website's guestbook. Kathy has already left us a voicemail that will be in Episode 6, and she and Stacy promise to call in with a joint voicemail just as soon as the weather's warm enough to sit out on Stacy's desk with a blender full of mixed drinks. Ohyeah, looking forward to that particular drunkycall big time.
In the meantime, Stacy left this comment for Kathy after the delightful Miss K pointed out that we have the Voicemail Number of the Beast, and I felt I had to share it with y'all, just in case you thought I was the weird one in the family.
Okeeey, you know, I don't really like to call devil numbers with caller ID and all. If you think it's a devil cult I suggest we call in an expert -- my dear, dear friend and spiritual advisor, Madame Lola the Voo-Doo Queen.
Hang on...........
*riiiiiing!*...........
*riiiiing!*...........come on, come on...........
*riiiii- pick up the phone dammit!
-nnnnnng!*...........
Mdm. Lola: Hallo mon, Madame Lola speaking, 'ow may I 'elp youuu?
Stacy: Hi, Madame Lola, it's me, Phoenix!
Mdm. Lola: Eye iss not giving you any more credit, mon! Ennd why iss you calling youself Stacy here?
Stacy: Well, you see, they don't know about you, Madame Lola. Only my friends in the Pit know about you and over there I'm known as Phoenix so--
Mdm. Lola: I doan care whachoo are called, mon, you still owe me $40.95 for dose snaake skeens and dat hex I put on--
Stacy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Madame Lola, you know I'm good for it. Anyway, I have a favor to ask you.
Mdm. Lola: --ann den dere is da bill for your brudder's wedding -- you had me bless it after your seester, she perform ceremony--
Stacy: I wanted it to be official in the spirit world!
Mdm. Lola: Yeah, well, de spirits dey waan $30.00 for dat one or dey will shower dere hatred down on his house, mon!
Stacy: Awww, come on, Madame Lola -- you know I'm good for it.
Mdm. Lola: You pay now or no favors.
Stacy: Okay, tell you what -- I'll send you a check for the snakeskins and take my chances with the spirits raining their vengence down on his house.
Mdm. Lola: Okeey, but eets not pretty when da spirits are waiting for peyment, mon. Dey still have your address--
Stacy: Yeah, it's J. Miller, Webb Ave. N. Las Vegas?
Mdm. Lola: Dat's da one!
Me: Well, like I said, I'll take my chances. Now let's get down to business -- there's a number we want you to call to see if it's a devil worshiping emporium.
Mdm. Lola: 'Ang on--
*whaaa mon??? wats dat? ookkey....you want oonion riings with dat?*Stacy: Are...are you operating a
drive-through window, Madame Lola?
Mdm. Lola: *Okay, you pull up to window for your total mon...doan geet smaart wit me, young mon...I gots a yak's nipple here and I'm nots afraid to use eet! Your scrotum shrivel up like a daisy in da desert mon!* What's dot? Oh yeah, Phoenix, I gots to keep my 'ead above water, you know. Dis 'ere....eets my new side business.
Stacy: Okay, never mind. Anyway, can you call this number and find out what it's for? Is it some devil worshiping cult?
Mdm. Lola: Whot's da number, mon?
Stacy: 206-666-4187
Mdm. Lola: Yeessss....dats my second cousin Javier's Santaria cult. I doan know if you can get heem on da phoone too often. He's usually passing out da Kool-aide to his worshipers.
Stacy: KOOL-AIDE?!?! Golly! I love Kool-aide!
Mdm Lola: *sigh* Not dis kind, mon. He be maaking heemself some zombies. Dey normally wealthy people and he git dem to sign over to heem before he give dem de Kool-aide.
Stacy: I can't even try it?
Mdm Lola: No, you always broke and look like a reject from THRILLER anyway.
Stacy: THRILLER, huh? Well, at least that's something--
Mdm. Lola: Look, I gots to go, mon. Da health inspeector, he iss cooming today an' I gots to get dis graveyard dirt out of da deep fryers before he get here.
Stacy: Well, good luck with that!
Mdm. Lola: I doan need luck, woman -- I iss a professional!
*click*
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Posted on Sunday, May 11, 2008 by Melanie
EP 05: The One With a Marked Lack of Beer (33:00)
Welcome to Episode 5 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Melanie capers in glee over IKEA and Jerry rages against politicians, the media and having to spend all his beer money on gas.
- Amphibian Phone Sex
- Melanie is a happy camper who loves IKEA
- "Tabernac!"
- Jerry, however, is pissed off at the news
- Hur hur -- Jerry said "rear"
- The media -- catering to the lowest common denominator since the 1970's
- The President is in Texas -- yeehaw...
- Jerry expresses his political views
- "Some freedoms should be limited." Yeah, right.
- THE FALL - Joe-Bob sez check it out
- Charles Darwin as action hero!
- We have email AND voicemail!
- Secrets of the Industry:
Never give up
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 05
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Posted on Thursday, May 08, 2008 by Melanie
EP 04: Writing, Drinking and Shooting Large Animals (33:08)
Welcome to Episode 4 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where we celebrate the drunken splendor that was Ernest "The Hem" Hemingway, as well as some drunken antics of other writers. Ahem.
- Melanie is somewhat fried by her return to the work force
- The side effects of a decided lack of caffeine
- Jerry's gorilla hair on his arms
- When Batman has phone sex
- Telemarketing sucks!
- Jerry has gogo boots -- now he just needs a strip to work
- Having an uncle who is also an aunt
- It's not fair that Eddie Izzard is so pretty
- Melanie's name is on Mars
- Send your name into space
- Voicemail from Eric the Southern Boy
http://boy-oh-boy.blogspot.com
- A fundamentalist calls in to complain
- The evilness of all-you-can-eat restaurants
- A story from Melanie's drunken past
- Due to tornados, this may be our final podcast
- Melanie must see Wicked
- Secrets of the Industry:
Establish a writing routine
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 04
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Posted on Saturday, May 03, 2008 by Melanie
EP 03: Sürstromming, or "Let's Have Some Crap On Bread!" (35:43)
Welcome to Episode 3 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" Or, more accurately, Episode 3.5. Damn you, Skypiness!
- We're gonna burn for this one
- Iron Man -- you won't notice your numb butt!
- Adding unnecessary crap to a movie
- Here comes Speed Racer, thanks to the Wachowki Brothers
- Christina Ricci is hot, and Jerry feels like a dirty old man
- A Skypiness intermission -- we're now on iterations
- Heath Ledger plays one crazy-eyed mother%^*#$% in Dark Knight
- Melanie's adventures with New York drug dealers
- Doing time in a Swedish prison
- Sürstromming -- "Let's have some crap on bread!"
- It's fun to watch rich people get eaten by monsters!
- Melanie's 21-year crush on Jeffrey Combs -- it can drink legally!
- The SciFi Channel -- home of schlock
- Thunderbirds Are Go!
- Three voicemails, one from A Special Someone
- Secrets of the Industry:
Read the Guidelines
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 03
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Posted on Thursday, May 01, 2008 by Melanie
EP 02: Is That Your Utility Belt, Or Are You Just Happy To See Me? (30:46)
Welcome to Episode 2 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" We're on both channels this time, and Melanie has had way too much fun with GarageBand.
- Tonight's a Bloated&CrankyCast!
- 7 hours to pass a $%*&#%^ safety test
- Melanie dreams of Adam West
- Is that your utility belt, or are you just happy to see me?
- Miley Cyrus = bumper harvest!
- Jerry goes to Tijuana and sees lots of magic tricks
- Melanie dons her sex educator hat
- Jerry's Poetry Corner
- Allergies suck ass, but allergy shots are wonderful
- Darth Vader wants to know where his Playboys are
- Hans the baggage handler has anger management issues
- Jane Austen as space opera
- Secrets of the Industry:
Yog's Law - Money flows TOWARD the writer
Send us email: dqydjpodcast@gmail.com
Call us on our listener line: 206-666-4187
Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!
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episode 02
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