Yeah, it runs in the family

Posted on Monday, May 12, 2008 by Melanie

My sister Stacy and her best friend Kathy have been having a grand old time leaving comments on my regular website's guestbook. Kathy has already left us a voicemail that will be in Episode 6, and she and Stacy promise to call in with a joint voicemail just as soon as the weather's warm enough to sit out on Stacy's desk with a blender full of mixed drinks. Ohyeah, looking forward to that particular drunkycall big time.

In the meantime, Stacy left this comment for Kathy after the delightful Miss K pointed out that we have the Voicemail Number of the Beast, and I felt I had to share it with y'all, just in case you thought I was the weird one in the family.

Okeeey, you know, I don't really like to call devil numbers with caller ID and all. If you think it's a devil cult I suggest we call in an expert -- my dear, dear friend and spiritual advisor, Madame Lola the Voo-Doo Queen.

Hang on...........*riiiiiing!*...........*riiiiing!*...........come on, come on...........*riiiii- pick up the phone dammit! -nnnnnng!*...........

Mdm. Lola: Hallo mon, Madame Lola speaking, 'ow may I 'elp youuu?

Stacy: Hi, Madame Lola, it's me, Phoenix!

Mdm. Lola: Eye iss not giving you any more credit, mon! Ennd why iss you calling youself Stacy here?

Stacy: Well, you see, they don't know about you, Madame Lola. Only my friends in the Pit know about you and over there I'm known as Phoenix so--

Mdm. Lola: I doan care whachoo are called, mon, you still owe me $40.95 for dose snaake skeens and dat hex I put on--

Stacy: Yeah, yeah, yeah, Madame Lola, you know I'm good for it. Anyway, I have a favor to ask you.

Mdm. Lola: --ann den dere is da bill for your brudder's wedding -- you had me bless it after your seester, she perform ceremony--

Stacy: I wanted it to be official in the spirit world!

Mdm. Lola: Yeah, well, de spirits dey waan $30.00 for dat one or dey will shower dere hatred down on his house, mon!

Stacy: Awww, come on, Madame Lola -- you know I'm good for it.

Mdm. Lola: You pay now or no favors.

Stacy: Okay, tell you what -- I'll send you a check for the snakeskins and take my chances with the spirits raining their vengence down on his house.

Mdm. Lola: Okeey, but eets not pretty when da spirits are waiting for peyment, mon. Dey still have your address--

Stacy: Yeah, it's J. Miller, Webb Ave. N. Las Vegas?

Mdm. Lola: Dat's da one!

Me: Well, like I said, I'll take my chances. Now let's get down to business -- there's a number we want you to call to see if it's a devil worshiping emporium.

Mdm. Lola: 'Ang on-- *whaaa mon??? wats dat? want oonion riings with dat?*

Stacy: Are...are you operating a drive-through window, Madame Lola?

Mdm. Lola: *Okay, you pull up to window for your total mon...doan geet smaart wit me, young mon...I gots a yak's nipple here and I'm nots afraid to use eet! Your scrotum shrivel up like a daisy in da desert mon!* What's dot? Oh yeah, Phoenix, I gots to keep my 'ead above water, you know. Dis 'ere....eets my new side business.

Stacy: Okay, never mind. Anyway, can you call this number and find out what it's for? Is it some devil worshiping cult?

Mdm. Lola: Whot's da number, mon?

Stacy: 206-666-4187

Mdm. Lola: Yeessss....dats my second cousin Javier's Santaria cult. I doan know if you can get heem on da phoone too often. He's usually passing out da Kool-aide to his worshipers.

Stacy: KOOL-AIDE?!?! Golly! I love Kool-aide!

Mdm Lola: *sigh* Not dis kind, mon. He be maaking heemself some zombies. Dey normally wealthy people and he git dem to sign over to heem before he give dem de Kool-aide.

Stacy: I can't even try it?

Mdm Lola: No, you always broke and look like a reject from THRILLER anyway.

Stacy: THRILLER, huh? Well, at least that's something--

Mdm. Lola: Look, I gots to go, mon. Da health inspeector, he iss cooming today an' I gots to get dis graveyard dirt out of da deep fryers before he get here.

Stacy: Well, good luck with that!

Mdm. Lola: I doan need luck, woman -- I iss a professional! *click*

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  1. Stomasek1 |

    Wow, your sister Stacy sure sounds like a freakshow!!!

  2. Melanie |

    Yes, she's been off her meds for years. Luckily we can rent her out to passing circuses to make up for her upkeep.


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