A Belated Birthday Email from Stacy

Posted on Tuesday, August 12, 2008 by Melanie

Friends and neighbors, it's Melanie's birthday today. In celebration, I have a special edition of "Melanie -- It's Your Life!"

Melanie: The Formative Years

Melanie was born many years ago in 1966, in the middle of a blazing hot July afternoon. Her parents, relatively practical yet sweaty people, decided shortly after her birth that they should begin Melanie's life by teaching her thrift and the value of hard work for what they saw as their special and talented first born.

Therefore they sold her to a Taiwanese sweatshop to earn money for their air conditioning bill.

Upon returning, Melanie discovered that she was a sister. Her little sister Stacy was playing there in the playpen, eager to meet her older and wiser sister, and surrounded by many, many toys. Most of them, coincidentally, made by Melanie herself.

That evening, Stacy was found beaten unconscious with a Bozo doll.

(For those of you who are not familiar with Chicago, Bozo was a part-time clown who had his own TV show during the 60's and 70's. His other job was a bus driver. When punishing kids on his route he would take toys and games away from them and give them away on his show during something called "The Grand Prize Game.")

Melanie: 8 years old

Melanie is kicked out of ballet school for wearing a nude body stocking and doing an interpretive dance entitled, "The Reproductive Cycle of our Class Hamster Blinky."

Horrified, her dance instructors put a stop to the number, but the damage was already done. Floods of phone calls came in from distraught parents demanding answers. Why, they wanted to know, were their daughters all crying about something called "The Dilated Cervix Waltz"? With no other recourse, the instructors were forced to expel Melanie, not knowing the genius that resided in the small body haughtily walking out their doors.

Upon getting in the car that fateful night Melanie then proceeded to tell our mother that the instructors pulled her hair because she didn't do a step right and they were talentless hoofers. Furthermore, she would never darken their doorstep again. Melanie and I were promptly pulled out of classes, as were all of the other students, and the studio went bankrupt.

Melanie: Disneyworld, 12 years old

Our family trip to Florida occurred during a staff shortage at the famed Disneyworld Theme Park. Allegedly the only person the manager could find to put in the Donald Duck suit that fateful day was a person of shorter stature who normally worked in the Snow White ride. Melanie, hot, sticky and annoyed at Stacy for making her go on the Haunted House ride for the 35th time that day, shoved Stacy in the back, setting off a chain of events that lives in the annals of Disney history.

The carnage that was to ensue is STILL denied by Disney administration to this day.

Stacy, at the time of Melanie's vicious attack, was innocently dressing her hamburger with ketchup at a condiment stand. After being shoved, Stacy violently fell into the condiment cart, overturning it and splattering enormous jugs of ketchup all down the neck of Donald Duck standing a few feet away, signing autographs. Sliding in the slop of the dumped condiments, the cart slid and hit Donald in the ducktail, making his head wobble off and roll down the fairway.

Orlando newspapers have it recorded that Donald Duck ran headless down Main street USA, with ketchup bleeding down his neck screaming, "MY HEAD, WHERE'S MY HEAD?!?!!?"

Seeing the melee of parents and toddlers running in the wake of headless, seemingly bloody Donald, Melanie and Stacy decide to try Space Mountain.

Melanie: 15 yrs old

1981: Stacy's 8th grade graduation party. Melanie patiently explains to Stacy and her friend Kathy how alcohol will kill brain cells. After what is a brilliant and moving explanation on the part of Melanie, Stacy and Kathy decide to dedicate themselves to the interest of science -- and begin consuming alcohol in large quantities.

After years and years of intense and dedicated research, Melanie slips in a puddle of Stacy or Kathy's beer vomit (OK, probably Stacy's) and tragically slams her head into the cheap pine paneling.

A period of temporary insanity ensues, ushering in what will be known as "Merman: The Dark Years."

Kathy and Stacy, in a heroic attempt to save Melanie, continue drinking heavily.

Fortunately, fate steps in when Melanie goes outside to try and stop them from putting a pony keg into a snow bank & setting the neighbor's garage roof on fire. She slips on thin ice and miraculously comes to her senses.

Kathy and Stacy celebrates Melanie's amazing recovery with a case of Special Export and smoking cigarettes.

Melanie: Falls in love

Melanie finds interest in computers and meets a young, handsome man online.

Stacy counters with putting Melanie's name in an advertisement for mail-order brides in Taiwan. Stacy receives many offers but the best one is for the owner of the sweatshop where, coincidentally, Melanie used to work as a toddler.

This brings deep-seated rage from Melanie's subconscious, and she beats Stacy senseless with a clown doll she got at a Mardi Gras parade, screaming, "NO MORE THAI FOOD! NO MORE THAI FOOD!"

Upon awakening from her coma, Stacy finds Melanie happily married and living in England. Stacy expresses her concerns about Melanie marrying an unknown Englishman and Melanie assures her that she is fine and happy. Stacy sends her a copy of The Files of Jack The Ripper as a wedding gift.

Melanie: Europe

Melanie and Lyndon move around a great deal in hopes of avoiding any visits from Kathy and Stacy.

Melanie: Present day

Melanie is now a technical writer in a prosperous career with a wonderful and loyal husband. Kathy and Stacy are very happy for her. Especially because Melanie is buying a house in the near future with 3-4 bedrooms, one of them being a dedicated guest room which Stacy and Kathy feel they need to take full advantage of, especially if Melanie decides to get a nice hot tub, preferably with lots of jets and a bar attached directly outside their guest room. Stacy prefers the color purple for a room color and Kathy requests a massage table and possibly a pedicure chair for when Consuela has free time to do her feet.

This ends Melanie's birthday -- This is your Life!!

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1 Comment

  1. Anonymous |

    Well, its about fuckin time!


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