DQYDJ 31: Our First Episode of DQYDJ News

Posted on Thursday, August 14, 2008 by Melanie

EP 31: Our First Episode of DQYDJ News (30:31)

Welcome to Episode 31 of "Don't Quit Your Day Job: The Podcast!" where Jerry is fascinated with the chupacabra, Melanie is going back on the road for another con, and Patrick is podcasting from work.

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Good day. My name is Stacy, and here is the news for the DQYDJ podcast:

As many of you are aware, the Summer Olympic games opened in Beijing this summer on August 8th, 2008. Our very own President Bush was on hand to witness these historic games, and made headlines by holding up the American flag backward.

Chen Zhili, head of the Beijing Olympic Village and France's Prime Minister Francois Fillion were seen pointing, laughing and exchanging money, as if wagering. Monsieur Fillon was then overheard to say, "Double or nothing he holds it upside-down next time."

In related news, W's mother, former First Lady Barbara Bush, was said to be frequenting karaoke bars in and around Bejing during the games. After one too many sakes, the former first lady was found wandering behind the bar telling other club patrons, "I am the Walrus -- koo koo ka choo."

The former first lady is now resting comfortably in the Betty Ford clinic.

In a parallel story, Don't Quit Your Day Job's own Jerry was reported ill this week with what was said to be a dental emergency. However, a call was placed to our tip line and this reporter has found what appears to be a cover-up by DQYDJ's management.

The tip came in last Monday by an unidentified caller claiming that Jerry was really in the hospital. Melanie and Patrick are allegedly accused of putting wood grain alcohol, food coloring and mint flavoring in Jerry's bottle of Scope mouthwash before a recent dental appointment.

Jerry, innocently swishing his mouth out before a dental appointment, accidentally ingested some of the liquid. Our informant tells us that after administering the laughing gas (AKA nitrous oxide), Jerry became extremely agitated in the chair. He then informed his dentist that he needed to leave immediately because he was negotiating a peace treaty in the Middle East between the Branch Davidians and Angus Young of the rock band AC/DC.

911 was called and Jerry was last seen being wheeled to an ambulance on a stretcher. Witnesses to the event tell us that Jerry kept telling paramedics, "Hot funk, cool punk, even if it's old junk, it's still rock 'n' roll to me!"

Jerry, we here in the DQYDJ news room send you our good thoughts and hope you enjoy the flower arrangement.

Also, when you get out of the hospital, we want to party with you, dude!

We now go to our foreign correspondent Kathy, who is reporting from the war-torn region of the Wisconsin Dells.

Unfortunately our live feed from this politically fragile area was damaged during a guerrilla skirmish last night; therefore I will have to read her report for her.

She writes: Hello everyone, I am here in the Wisconsin Dells where most of the dramatic fighting has gone on. The Mt. Olympus staff had had a long and bloody history with the militant wing of the Wilderness Lodge staff. Last night, members of elite guerrilla cells at the Wilderness were able to break into Mt. Olympus's filter room, shutting off all the pool heaters. They then proceeded to cut off all the cable television lines and smashed bottles of tequila in all of the bars in the resort.

Kathy goes on to say: The kids are all over me because the waters too cold to swim, my husband is bored because he doesn't have cable and I have been forced to have sex with him, and I can't even get a margarita. The resort is putting on a magic show tomorrow where a magician cuts someone in half. She hopes to be the first one -- so she can be put out of her misery.

End report.

Kathy, we here at the Don't Quit Your Day Job newsroom deeply appreciate your willingness to go to any lengths to get your story. We salute you.

That wraps up our report for this day, August, 14th. I'm Stacy with the DQYDJ news. Good day...and I will now pretend I have a life.

Thanks to Sweet Diss and the Comebacks (http://www.myspace.com/comebacks) for permission to use clips from "Dunder and Dwightning" as our theme music. Go buy their stuff, people!

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