Patrick's Apartment

Posted on Monday, September 22, 2008 by Stacy

Hello. I am Sally Struthers, of the Single Sad Lonely Bastard's Fund.

We are taking this ad out on this blog to bring to your attention a situation that has not been seen on this earth since pictures of Calcutta scorched the covers of Time, Newsweek and The National Enquirer.

Yes, we're talking about Patrick's apartment.

We are trying to connect one person who wants to help, with one sad, lonely bastard who needs it. The magnitude of the world’s problems — war, natural disaster, and the associated dangers faced by millions of people — are nothing compared to the conditions this man lives in daily.

Make A Connection with Your Sponsored Bastard.

As a sponsor, you can build a personal, one-to-one relationship with your sponsored Bastard through letters, and learn about his family, community, daily life and hopes for the future.

Regular health and progress reports will show you how your sponsorship is improving the Bastard's life.

Your special gifts give your sponsored Bastard hope, nurturing and confidence. You may even visit your sponsored Bastard and see first-hand the difference your sponsorship contributions are making in his lonely hovel.

It is truly amazing how much $640 a month can do for a Bastard in need. You can give a Bastard access to healthy food, safe water and an education. And, when you sponsor a Bastard, SSLBF uses your monthly sponsorship donations, combined with donations from sponsors of other lonely Bastards in your Bastard's community, to support community wide programs and facilities that change lives and plant the seeds of self-sufficiency.

Your Bastard will learn:

* How to dial 911 for the elderly in their dinner theater
* How to successfully use a defibrillator
* CPR skills
* How to properly change and dispose of a Depends undergarment
* and much, much more.

We build schools, teach vocational skills, engage young Bastards in crucial early Bastardhood development activities, provide health care, and establish replenishable sources of Doritos and safe bottles of wine.

Won't you consider becoming a Sponsor today?

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  1. Melanie |

    Truly, Stacy, it is a good thing you're doing here. Bless you.

  2. Pat Gaik |

    You're all going to Hell, you know that, don't you?

  3. Bjorn |

    no. I want no part of this.

  4. Stacy |

    I just got home from work, therefore I have JUST BEEN IN HELL.

  5. Pat Gaik |

    Thanks a lot, Stacy! You see, you're scaring off Bjorn!

  6. Stacy |

    Scaring off Bjorn?

    Sorry Pat, I guess I'm just a Bjerk.

  7. Stacy |

    Oh, hey, and I've got some Dippity-Do hair gel as conductor for the paddles on the defibrilator for your next show!

    Palmolive works too, but it tends to scorch the chest hair on the men. Just an FYI.

    Dont bother to thank me, I live to be of service to you all.

    P.S. *Slams down $10 on bar and says "A TEN SAYS THE SECOND CHAIR ON TABLE 8, SATURDAY NIGHT,.....I'M THINKIN STROKE!"

  8. Bjorn |

    I'm not scared just scared of patrick's apartment/rat hole/piles of shit. As for stacy, she has no idea what kind of wrath i can bring down. Mostly in tequila format

    Someday I'll get a Mojito or two with melanie at the Cuba Libre here (yummy)


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